PHP Does Not Suck
There's not much to PHP: a few variables and basic functions for juggling strings and numbers. It's a thin layer that doesn't do much except move the data from port 80 to the database and back. That's what it's supposed to do. A modern database is a magical tool, and it makes sense to leave the heavy lifting to it. PHP is the right amount of complexity for a job that's not supposed to be complex.